Thursday, April 2, 2009

My rose-colored glasses are missing today! I can't seem to find them.


I am angry today. I feel like I keep spinning my wheels at very high speeds with no results. I feel like I am continually running on empty and there is no gas station in sight or in driving distance! Just getting out of bed each day takes a herculean effort not to mention all the different responsibilities that come after that!
I am angry because I feel compelled to do so much for my children and yet for the most part my boys are ungrateful, unhelpful, and one of them is completely unfeeling. I find myself questioning why I continue to do so much for them when it isn't appreciated. I want to be a good mother for them and for the most part I am. I want to bless them with those things and opportunities I never had.
I am angry because I need my children to help me with household tasks, and getting them to help me is almost impossible. When assigned a particular chore, I can't stay on right on top of them because I have a child named Ethan who requires my constant attention almost every single minute (Yesterday he used a watermelon I had just bought as a soccer ball! And that was just in the first 5 minutes after he got home from school!!). That's the dark side to life with autism, the constant attention a child needs and the utter lack of regular breaks.
I am angry because I feel like I cannot get on top of my housework - I feel completely buried UNDER it. I look at areas of my house and want to run away! And, that was just the beginning of my morning before 8 am.
I went to the doctor today. I have a chest cold I can't seem to get over. I have felt like crap lately. I long to lie in my bed for hours and sleep but there are too many screaming voices running through my house to allow for that. I have walking pneumonia. And to top it off, my iron levels are DESPERATELY low. Normal iron levels in adult females are 65-165 micrograms/dL. My score is 13! That accounts for part of why I feel so tired all the time and I don't want to do anything. The helpful pharmacist gave me a superpill to take for iron. So, I will take those and then soon I'll have another blood test to see how I'm doing. In addition, my B12 levels are low. He gave me a shot for that and will give me another one in 28 days. He said the B12 shots are like liquid nitrogen and he hopes they will light a fire under my butt. He said that's what the B12 shot did to his wife. On the downside, if the iron pills don't work, I'll have to get transfusions.
I am angry because I am sick! I don't have time to be sick. There are too many things that need to get done for me to be sick. Sickness prevents me from doing the things that need to be done AND the things I want to do. There are so many things I want to do. I want to paint my house, heck I would settle for just painting my bedroom to start with. I want to decorate my house so I actually want to live here! I want to get back to my jewelry making. I would love some time just for me!
I am angry because my husband is sick. I feel like he has been almost constantly sick for the past year. He is struggling with one thing or another. When he is sick, he is not at his best. He is short with the kids. He doesn't have the energy it takes to keep up with all the responsibilities we have.
I am angry because my husband does not help me with the housework. Yesterday he couldn't even put a dirty dish away in the dishwasher. And, he left the smelly dish the salmon cooked in out and unwashed and un-put away. He left it out despite the fact that I was a nice wifey and cooked salmon just for him even though I HATE fish and cooking it makes the house STINK. (This is just a temporary feeling. I will have forgiven him by this evening or tomorrow; love takes a lot of work and mutual tolerance!).
I am angry because my husband spends so much time at school and I need him here at home. And, I feel like if I ask him not to spend so much time at school, I am condemning him to be a bad teacher and handicapping him from providing adequately for our family. And, if he does make that sacrifice, he will stress out and feel like he is not doing his job well, and the list of his stresses go on and on and on. I hate the fact that he has a new college class on Tuesday that take even more time away from our family, when I am stuck here all day with children who cannot even speak in complete sentences.
Today is just an angry day. I think I am allowed those once in a while. I hope it will diminish by the time the kids get home so I can put on my mom face and greet them with an appropriate expression when they get home! Some days are just like that.
One happy thing about today is that I am so glad Peter bought Blue October's new album called Approaching Normal. On the album there are some really good songs, and a few that are a little angry. One song I really like is called Jump Rope. The lyrics are located here, they are very uplifting and cheered me up. Thanks Blue October! The lead singer's name is Justin Furstenfeld. I appreciate how he is so emotionally honest in his song writing. I love it!
That is my day. Some day are good and others not so good. Oh well, there's always tomorrow! Hopefully all the money I just spent today for medication will be worth the expense. I hope they help me feel better, and soon!

4 comments:

Lisa said...

I hope you feel better soon!

kathy said...

Hi sweetie! Oh, I know how you feel! Maybe not to the extent that you do but I've been there too. Sometimes life just isn't fair no matter what we do. I just had the same feelings this morning. My kids don't help me like they should. I feel I'm taken for granted and that makes me angry. I try to keep an eternal perspective but it doesn't always shine through all the "crap" in my life. I will tell you that your kids WILL grow up and you will survive. It doesn't seem like it right now so these are empty words, but, I promise it will be so. Hang in there and keep venting on this blog. There's probably lots of people that wish they could do the same to get that anger out. It does help. Take care and know that you are loved and I cherish our friendship!

Claudia said...

I know that you're under a lot of stress right now and it probably seems unending. Some days, weeks, etc. seem to last a year by themselves.

Hopefully the medicine will kick in and you'll be feeling better soon. We are praying for you.

If we were closer and not so involved in caring for mom and dad we could be more help to you. I know that doesn't help when we're so far away, but I would if I could.

We do care - life seems so hard sometimes - try to remember to count your blessings, so that your trials don't seem so overwhelming

We love you.
MOM

Enjoying the Journey said...

Bonnie,
I think you said what a lot of us feel, but just don't have the courage to write it down. Hopefully you are feeling better, and I love the pictures you have been taking. Like Kathy said the kids will grow up and the house will stay clean longer.


Hang in there.

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