Yes, this is an actual photo of my front door. This is kind of a symbol of how I feel lately. My door looks awful and I feel awful too! Now that you've seen a slice of my life, I have a question for you.
What do you do when you feel like the living dead? I've been slogging through life lately, wishing and wanting to savor all those small moments, but feeling too tired to enjoy them. I catch a few of them, but for the most part I feel terrible still! I just finished up my 10 days of antibiotic medication that was supposed to help me get rid of this walking pneumonia. But, guess what? My low grade fever is back and I feel like death. I'm still coughing and I'm still tired. And in the morning when I wake up, it has settled in my chest again.
I want to feel invigorated and vibrant again. I want to clean my house. Instead, I find myself sitting a lot. Trying to get things done, but not really accomplishing much. In fact, I even took a nap today after Ethan went to school and the wee ones were down, and after an hour when I woke up I still felt as bad as I did when I laid down. Where's the sense in that?
My one proud accomplishment is before I laid down, I took some time to read the scriptures and to pray. I am hoping for some divine guidance. I'm looking for a way out of this mess. It's been weighing heavily on my heart. I feel like there's a battle between the things I actually accomplish and the things I WANT to accomplish. I'm not gaining any headway in the areas of my wants.
Oh wait, scratch that. I did buy the paint to paint my door on Friday. And, I got a base coat of grey on and I started to get a coat of red on but it looked terrible because I had a lot of drips that dried. It's hard to care for your kids and swipe paint at the same time.! So, now I have two panels of red on my otherwise grey door. How tacky do we look? I wish I was a master painter and I could just whip that puppy out in an hour.
I don't think it sinful to have my wants. After all, my wants are things to better my home and family - like paint the outside door, organize all the clutter that is accumulating, paint the boy's rooms, landscape the yard, and plant my vegetables. They are not selfish or prideful. Well, maybe one, the one thing I desire is more free time. But, I look at that as necessary to my mental health.
I can't complain, I do get 3 hours of Ethan-free time Monday through Friday. But, some days I use that time to rest up and recoup my energy in preparation for the afternoon. But, it generally isn't long enough to get everything done around the house that needs to be done. I literally feel like I am slogging through water. Every step is difficult and tiring. I'm praying that the doctor will give me the orders for an x-ray to see what is going on in my chest. I feel like I might have 1/2 a chance if this pneumonia is gone.