Thursday, November 5, 2009

At the end of my rope

I don't think I've felt this bad in a long time. The day started out with a terrible sinus headache and then I started crying. I put on my game face and got the kids ready for school. Then, after the kids left for school, but before Ethan leaves for school, I started crying again. In the shower I was crying. Basically, even now, I'm starting to well up. I don't think I have ever felt this out of control of my own life- EVER! I look around me and feel stymied. Everywhere, everything calls out for my attention. Children - 2 of which are not mine and are the most needy, housework, organization, the list goes on and on. And my mental state is not the most healthy right now. Add to that the fact that I'm still not feeling 100% and I'm tired - both due to illness and depression. It does not make a good mix. I guess I could reach out for help. But, everyone I know of has similar responsibilities or is busy with other obligations. And, I am not exactly a ray of sunshine to be around.
I don't think I've ever felt this stuck - like a prisoner in my own house, a prisoner of my own life. Do you know what HELL it is to go out with 4 children under 4? Yesterday I did it because I was desperate. I needed groceries from Sam's Club. The infant I watch who is almost 3 months old cried for the entire time we were out. She then cried for another hour after that. Just hearing the crying is enough to fray anyone's nerves. The baby had a tummy ache and needed to have a bowel movement. She was hurting and in pain. And then dealing with the other 3 on top of that.
Needless to say, it feels like same crap, different day. Everyday is filled with the same monotony. I am not enjoying this journey at all right now. Most of the day I am taking it one minute or hour at a time. I wish there was some service you could call and say, I quit and they could come fill in for you. I think the main one is called Child Protective Services and that could leave a blemish on my record.
Yes, I guess I am having a pity party. But, I am so fed up right now, words cannot begin to even express it. I wish I had super powers so that I could be like the Flash and get everything done around the house. I do feel like I have amazing super powers of patience. After all, my children are still alive and I haven't killed anyone yet- even Ethan who daily pushes me to the brink!
This morning, he pooped in his pull-up. Went upstairs to the kid's bathroom and took off his pull up and found some wet wipes and tried to start to clean himself up. Wet wipes cannot go down our toilets. They just get stuck and clog it up and then the toilet floods. I have VAST experience with this I am sad to say. So then Ethan came downstairs with the wet wipes and told me he needed help. I cleaned him up and then went upstairs to check out the damage. Bella our dog decided to join in on the fun. She likes to chew up diapers, especially the smelly kind. Eeeew! She grabbed a couple of the soiled wipes from the toilet and started chewing. I then got the garbage can and removed the wipes from the toilet, swatted the dog, and bathed Ethan.
I am happy to report that Ethan is now safely at school. He just left on the school bus. Can I just tell you that is the bright part of every day? I can rest easy knowing that for almost 4 hours he is safely in the hands of other adults. I don't have to worry about what is he doing.
Just this morning after cleaning up the poo mess, I got in the tub and bathed the kids. I decided to be extra nice to myself this morning and put shoes on, and do my hair. I contemplated applying makeup but then realized it was way too quiet. Just in the 10 minutes of my getting dressed, Ethan had brought a chair into the kitchen and gotten into the cupboard where I keep his "blue candies". Blue candies are the mini Nestle Crunch bars. I bought some the other day on the day after Halloween sale because I use them as bribes. He got the whole bag out of the cupboard and parked himself on the couch right next to Aeron where they indulged in the whole bag of candies. The bright point in all of this is that at least they shared with Madison who was in the high chair eating graham crackers.
So there you have it. An up close and personal, albeit a little too personal, peek into just a few hours of my life. Wanna come substitute? I thought not. This little slice of Heaven (ha ha) is called my life. Everyone tells me that it won't last forever, but I tend not to believe them. Days like I have been having seem to drag on forever. I look forward to 5:30 when the children I watch will go home. Then I can start a new set of responsibilities. After that I look forward to the time that I can go to bed. These little landmarks are the highlights of my day. Yes, I admit that it's not exactly the best attitude to have, but hey, I feel like I'm living a nightmare.
Oh, I also forgot to mention that the cable company cut off our internet service today. The Verizon people have yet to show up. You see when you get cable phone and internet and cable service, they physically cut the lines to your house. So right now we have no home phone. We are giving up anyway to cut down on our monthly costs. We have cancelled our cable service and our internet service through the cable company as well. We all have cell phones anyways. We will continue to have no cable service and we are switching to a DSL type of internet service in order to save money. So, right now I have no internet. The only way I am able to post this blog entry is because I am piggy backing on my neighbor's open network. He doesn't realize people can do just what I am doing and use his network. I am grateful for it none the less. I'm not completely cut off. Just- mostly.


Lisa said...

I am so sorry things are so tough for you right now.

Lisa said...

I should call you and tell you what is going on here... when is a good time?

bonniemomof5 said...

Anytime really. Just call my cell phone. It's on Facebook.