Flirty Aprons

Flirty Aprons Contest: Win $100

I love aprons! I especially love the protection they afford your clothing when working in the kitchen. I can't tell you the number of shirts and outfits that have been stained or splotched due to grease splatters or other food related mishaps.

Check out these aprons! The apron on the left is my favorite. It's the Scarlet Blossom. I love the color combination. They have many that I would love to own. I would love one for every day of the week. Just to switch things up in the kitchen. 

Flirty Aprons is following the trend of the “Trash the Dress”  phenomena and encouraging everyone to trash their old apron while they wear their new Flirty Apron.

They are even having a YouTube contest where the most creative Trashing gets a full refund on their apron AND $100 Visa Gift Card.

Just use the code BB20 when you purchase your apron, then make a creative trashing of your old apron video and enter to win a full refund and $100 Visa Gift Card.

All you have to do is:

1. Pick out sweet new apron at www.flirtyaprons.com
2. Use the code BB20 and take 20% off your order.
3. Make creative video of  you destroying your old apron and post it on YouTube (Make sure to use Flirty Aprons in the title of your YouTube videos)
4. Email your video links to matt@flirtyaprons.com by September 10th at 11:59 PST

This post was sponsored by Flirty Aprons through Broadcast Bloggers. All opinions are our own.

 

Anne of Green Gables- a special play, a special treat!

The notorious "Carrots!" scene: Anne & Gilbert
I copied this photo off their website:
http://www.lewisfamilyplayhouse.com/mainstreet/2010-2011/anne_of_green_gables.php

May 14th turned out to be quite a busy day. Not only, did I receive a scholarship to attend the Educate.Advocate special education conference over at the Community Baptist Church, but more importantly I got go to see on of my favorite books adapted into a play. It was sweet. It was nostalgic. It was delightful.

It all happened because I spoke up. May 1, I was sitting at church next to Rae Watts, one the sisters in my church's Relief Society sunday meeting. She was tolf me about how she had plans to see a play. I asked what play she was attending. Then, when she told me what play it was, I exclaimed, "I love that book!" It turns out that she had an extra ticket. So, not only did I feed my mind that morning by attending the conference, but I also got to feast my eyes.

It was a wonderful opportunity and treat. I am so grateful and lucky to have been able to attend that performance. And, it was a great opportunity to better get to know Sister Watts and her daughter in law. What a treat!

A model of the set.

Display in the foyer.

More scenery in the foyer. Little girls were loving this up. Especially because the cast came out and did a meet and greet after the play.

Creamy Green Chile Chicken Enchiladas

One word: yum! Pic from Mel's Kitchen Cafe

I made this recipe originally last Friday night. But, my husband and I only got a small portion, our kids scarfed the rest. We discovered some long lost movie tickets hidden in the desk. We went to see Pirates of the Carribean 3. It was a nice date, but the cost was a decent portion of dinner. 

So I made them again Monday night for the missionaries. They were well received by the masses. 

I have another recipe called chicken chalupas. That recipe features cream of chicken soup. But the flavor of the chalupas vs. the green chili enchiladas are very distinct. What I enjoy about Mel's kitchen is that she uses very little processed food ingredients. I like the fact that I had to make the cream sauce from scratch than use a can of cream of chicken soup. Not only is it much better for you but it is so much more flavorful!

Creamy Green Chile Chicken Enchiladas

Filling:

4 cups cooked, chopped chicken
2 (7 oz.) cans of green chiles, lightly drained
2 package (8 oz.) cream cheese, cubed
1 can black beans, rinsed and drained 

Sauce:
4 tablespoons butter
1 medium sized onion chopped
4 tablespoons flour
1 cup chicken broth
1/2 cup milk
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon pepper
1 28 ounce can green chile enchilada sauce
1 cup sour cream

1 lb. (about 2 cups) Monterey jack cheese, shredded
16 medium (soft taco size) flour tortillas
Handful of chopped fresh cilantro

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

In a medium bowl, combine the softened cream cheese and green chiles. Mix well. Add the chicken and black beans. Mix to combine. Set aside.

In a large nonstick skillet, melt the butter over medium heat. Add the onion and cook, stirring occasionally, until the onion softens and starts to turn translucent, about 3-4 minutes. Sprinkle the flour over the onions and stir well. Cook for 1 minute, stirring. Slowly whisk in the chicken broth and milk. As you whisk and the mixture cooks, the flour will get less lumpy around the onions and the mixture will become smooth. Cook over medium heat until the mixture is bubbling and has thickened, about 4-5 minutes. Remove the skillet from the heat and stir in the enchilada sauce and sour cream.

Lightly grease a 9X13-inch baking dish. Spread about 1/4 cup of the sauce on the bottom of the dish. Fill each tortilla with about ½ cup of the chicken/cream cheese filling. Top with a small handful of shredded cheese, a couple tablespoonfuls for each enchilada. Save at least 1/2 cup cheese for the top of the enchiladas. Roll the tortillas up and place seam side down in the prepared baking dish. Continue filling enchiladas until the dish is full (I can easily fit 8 enchiladas in one pan).

Pour the white sauce over the top of the enchiladas. Top with remaining cheese. Bake for 20-30 minutes until the enchiladas are bubbling, hot and lightly browned. Sprinkle fresh cilantro over the top and serve.

Adapted from Mel's Kitchen Cafe

La-la-la-lemony goodness

Lemony goodness

Bake Sale Lemon Bars
Crust:
3/4 c. butter
1 1/2 c. flour
2/3 c. powdered sugar
Mix together butter, flour and powdered sugar. Bake 350 for 15 min.

Filling:
6 eggs
1 3/4 c. sugar
6 Tbs. flour
3/4 c. lemon juice
zest of 2 lemons
Combine eggs, sugar, flour, lemon juice, and zest. Bake 350 for 20 min.
Sprinkle powdered sugar on top.
Enjoy!

I heart Faces challenge of the week- Yellow

Here is my latest entry on I Heart Faces weekly photo challenge. The theme is yellow and it has to show a face. After all, the whole website is dedicated to faces. Hello.... yellow!

I'll show you the original. I like it ok. However, you can see Aeron's wedgie. He was just getting used to underwear at that point, and had difficulty getting his underwear on appropriately. It's charming- kind of, but I didn't want to display that in my picture. I also didn't want to include the car in the background on the left hand side. So I smudged it. It's in the shadows anyways.

I took this picture in Sutter Creek at a gas station now converted into an auto shop. They still have the antiuqe gas pumps. I had been eyeing that location for a while to use as a possible picture shoot sight. The colors are so vivid and I love the charming old fashioned feeling of it. Sutter Creek is a great place to visit because it still retains the feeling and historic sites from the long ago gold mining days.

Check out more great photos on I Heart Faces!

I Heart Faces - May Flowers

I love photographing flowers. And with my recent trips up to Sacramento (Sutter Creek), it is easy to get some great shots. All you have to do is go outside to appreciate the beauty of the country.

This photo was taken up at the gorgeous Daffodil Hill, located in Volcano, CA. It is a popular spring destination when the daffodils are in bloom; people come from all over to witness this profusion of flowers. This is a shot from the entrance. Daffodil Hill did not open this year due to a heavy late snow fall making the hill and surrounding area unstable for the visiting masses. But, you could still behold the beauty from the gates. There was so much to see. It was the highlight of my trips up there in March/April.

Budget Saver: Homemade Chocolate Syrup recipe

Image from www.stainsolver.com

In my house, chocolate milk is a staple. Ethan drinks this every day.

With the tightening of our budget, I have had to make some grocery shopping changes.
While in the past I have purchased the store brand of chocolate milk powder, like Nestle Quick. In attempts to save money, I have been experimenting with making chocolate syrups with which I can make chocolate milk.

I am pleased to say I have found a worthwhile recipe for chocolate syrup.
It's from Tasty Kitchen, a recipe site maintained by Ree Drummond, the Pioneer Woman.

Chocolate Syrup
2 c. sugar
1 c. cocoa powder
1 tsp. salt
1 1/2 c. milk
1 1/2 tsp. vanilla
Mix first 4 ingredients. Simmer on low heat 10 minutes. Remove from heat. Add vanilla; stir until combined.
Allow to cool to room temperature. Store in the refrigerator.

For hot chocolate: Add 1 Tbs. syrup to 1 c. of hot milk. Stir until combined.
Chocolate milk: Add 1 Tbs. syrup to 1 c. milk. Stir until combined.

Ridiculously Easy Caramel Corn

This recipe is so easy it should be illegal! Growing up, making caramel corn was always a long, laborious process. One in which you would get burned and risk scorching the caramel.

This new recipe, is a cake walk- literally!

I've been meaning to post this recipe with a picture. But, whenever I make this popcorn, it disappears before I can get to it.

Here it is:
16 c. popped popcorn (I use my old air popper)
1 c. brown sugar
1/2 c. Karo syrup
1/2 c. butter
Cook sugar, syrup and butter in a glass bowl in microwave on high for one minute. Stir and repeat for a total of 5 minutes. It should be hot and bubbling.
Add:
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. vanilla
Mix until foamy. Put popped corn intro a brown paper grocery bag. Pour syrup into bag. Stir and shake to coat. Fold bag over. Place in microwave and heat for 1 minute. Remove bag and shake. Microwave 30 seconds more and shake. Pour popcorn onto a cooking sheet lined with wax paper.
Recipe adapted from Your Homebased Mom

Happy birthday Ethan. You've come a long way, baby!

My super hero

This last school year has been very eventful for our family and especially for my Ethan. Here's the lowdown:
In August, Ethan started Kindergarten at Banyan in their Special Ed. Day Class. Previously, he attended 2 years of preschool at Frost Early Childhood Education Center, a San Bernardino County Special Ed. program. In April of 2010 we met as a team to decide where Ethan would begin Kindergarten. It seemed ideal when I learned there would be a Kindergarten class offered at our home school, Banyan through our school district.

In August, Ethan started Kindergarten. I was SO excited for a few reasons. First he was beginning Kindergarten. Next, he was at Banyan where his older 3 siblings had all attended (I was happy to have children at only 3 schools instead of 4). Thirdly, his Special Day Class was a full day class! A full day class is this area for Kindergarten is unheard of. But, I was grateful to have Ethan in school and grateful for an extended break and for additional time to prepare. 6 hours to clean and prepare and for me to do some self-care. I was excited!

Then, in September, things went awfully awry. Isn't that how they always go?

Beginning Sept. 24-29th Ethan was first admitted to Loma Linda University Behavioral Health Center. Beginning in August and then through September, Ethan's behavior steadily deteriorated. His behaviors worsened.  His teacher, although a good woman, was not adequately trained to deal with his behaviors. She gave in and ignored Ethan's bad behaviors. And, being the smart fellow that he is Ethan generalized this behavior. If the bad behavior worked for him at school, Ethan then figured he could do the same at home with similar results. Makes sense right?

Ethan was next admitted back at Loma Linda Oct. 6-11. This hospitalization began with a ride in the back of a police cruiser. You see during a therapy session he went into a murderous rage so severe the therapy staff were unable to help him. The police were called and disbelieving, the officer tried to help him. When her attempts failed, we had no choice but to transport him to Loma Linda on a 72 hour hold. It was a rather surreal event. I had never been in the back of a police car before. And, then trying to calm and restrain an irrational 4 year old in the back of a police car... well, it's something I will never forget.

During the following weeks, I kept Ethan at home. He was also enrolled in an Intensive Outpatient program in Temecula (an hour away). The school district was unable to help him. He would go, get angry and hurt others and himself. I finally put my foot down and said enough! It was obvious that Ethan's placement was not right. Why would I keep sending my child to school when he had meltdown after meltdown? Isn't that the very definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over expecting different results.

Ethan was hospitalized a third time at Loma Linda, Oct. 22-Nov. 2. Very little occurred during these hospitalizations. Ethan's behavior was stabilized. He tried different drug cocktails to help control his behavior. Some of them worked and some failed in the worst possible way. Our family was traumatized. It was hard to care for him and care for my other children. Thankfully friends were able to help out here and there with my house and the kids. I am eternally thankful to all those that helped our family during that time and continue to this day.

Ethan's last hospitalization occurred Jan. 4-14 at UCLA's Reznick Children's Hospital. That hospitalization was the hardest by far. We could only visit Ethan once a day. And, it was a 2 hour drive to visit him for 1 hour. But, the Children's Psych unit there is ABSOLUTELY amazing. His team of doctors were great. They even got him his MRI which we had been trying to get as a means of ruling out an organic brain issue as opposed to a strictly behaviorall/mental condition.

During those months, we stayed at home. We tried to limit his interactions with others because he was so completely emotionally unstable. There were a lot of meltdowns and even more tears. The slightest thing would set him off into a violent meltdown lasting an hour or more.

Then on Jan. 14th a beautiful ray of light and hope appeared though the clouds and darkness. The district offered placement in a County Special Ed. program with a very special woman named Ms. Michelle. Ethan would have an aide on the bus to and from school and at school.

Beginning Jan. 31, Ms. Michelle has worked a miracle with Ethan and in our lives. She has challenged him and loved him despite his best efforts to prove her otherwise. Once memorable day for me was watching her bring him to the car. Ethan had had a terrible day. He got angry during class and pulled his pants down and urinated on her. As she brought him to my car, she said, "Ethan, I love you!" I had never heard a teacher utter those words to my son before. To be perfectly honest, it was hard for me to utter them when life with him was SO very difficult. I couldn't take him out in public. The slightest frustrations at home devolved into hour long meltdowns. I was afraid of him, because of his ability and strength when he was angry. Life revolved around Ethan.

Ms. Michelle sees him through different eyes. She knows how to help him work through the anger and frustration. She helped him use his words instead of yelling and kicking. She helps us at home too. She has helped us analyze and document his behaviors. It has made a world of difference with us and Ethan. We have been able to identify his triggers. We have learned techniques to help him.

Ethan is doing amazingly well. He has turned around. The combinations of medication, counseling/therapy, the prayers of family and friends, the divine help of the Lord, behavior training, and the amazing influence of his teacher, Ethan is a different person. We have occasional flare-us but they don't last hours anymore. They last minutes.

One of the most miraculous things occurred Easter Sunday. Ethan stood up next to his little brother with our church's primary (children's) group and with no parental assistance participated in singing a song with the other children. He didn't sing very much but he acted appropriately. It was nothing short of amazing! It was miraculous.

With all that said, I knew I wanted to something unique and wonderful for Ethan on his birthday. That little boy has been through the fire at the age of 5 and has come out on top! So I figured we should celebrate in super hero style.

When Ethan woke up, power o's AKA donuts, were awaiting him. He loved them. And no he didn't eat all of them. He had 1 and shared the rest.

Then I took him to school. He wore his superhero cape and his mask. I stayed up until 2 am the night before to make them.

Then, later at school I brought in 2 of the $5 Little Caesar's pizzas, bottled water and frosted sugar cookies. Ethan likes sugar cookies way better than cupcakes. On cupcakes, he just eats the frosting.

I brought in some "special" bottle water. Wonder Water. The kids liked the labels I taped over the original water bottle labels. The kids used the labels I taped on as wrist bands. It was cute.

For dinner, I made 3 cheese pasta bake. Ethan liked the noodles. And then he had chocolate cake. He was funny and said, "This is MY chocolate cake. But, I will let you have some."

That's Ethan. I am so grateful that we he has received help. And that he has RESPONDED to help. Life isn't perfect, we still have a few blow ups. But, they are much rarer in frequency and the duration is significantly lessened as is the intensity. We are grateful!

Teacher appreciation day

It's way late. I couldn't sleep. I was quite frustrated earlier that the chaos fairy had come and so thoroughly spread her "magic dust" through the house. Frustration and sleep do not  make good bed partners. So, I figured I would just stay up and finish up my project. I like projects! Anything to avoid the dreaded C word.
So here it is:

I really like this project. It is very budget friendly. You take a package of Dum Dums, the smallest you can find unless you live in my house. My son's teacher uses Dum Dums as a behavior modification tool. So, Ethan likes Dum Dums. They are a staple in the Gale household.
Buy a package of Smarties. I found a small one at Walgreens for .99. Bargain!
Next go to your local Dollar Tree. Buy 2 packages of their generic pencils and a can of Pirouline cookies- the ones with chocolate and hazelnut filling. The great thing about this craft is you get to eat the cookies and give away an empty can. Bonus! So go ahead and eat a few and then stash some for later. Let the kids have the cheap treats.
Now that you have an empty tin, get your handy dandy glue gun out and glue the pencils on. It takes 2 pencils shy of 2 packages. Then attach a ribbon of your choice. I found this cute black and white damask ribbon at Walmart a few weeks ago.
Next, fill the inside of the tin with dried beans you have laying around the house. Fill it up about 1/3 of the way. Cover up the beans with some leftover Easter grass.
Then glue the bamboo skewer sticks to Dum Dums and Smarties. Let cool, then place them in the pencil container.
Print out a label. And voila! You are done. My project cost less than $4.

I found the idea for the pencil container here.
Then I saw the cute idea for the candy gram here.
So why not combine the 2? That's what I did.
Have a good Thursday!

Dulce de Leche cupcakes

Pic from  the www.joythebaker.com

I've been thinking about making these Spanish/Mexican themed treats for some time now.  When I heard about our themed Relief Society activity, I knew that would be a perfect venue to try out these cupcakes. Carpe Diem!
I also know that my children are less than receptive to the idea of a new and interesting flavor besides plane jane chocolate or vanilla. I knew I could bring my little experiments to church with me, and pawn them off on unsuspecting ladies. Who doesn't like cupcakes?

Step 1: Ducle de leche
Making dulce de leche is deceptively simple. Crazy simple.
Open a can of sweetened condensed milk. Pour it into a glass pyrex dish. Cover with a glass lid or aluminum foil. Place dish in a larger baking vessel, i.e. 13x9 pan. Fill the larger baking vessel with water so that the wall of the pyrex is submerged 1-1 1/2 in. Bake 425 for 1hr. 15 min. Once done, remove from oven, drain water, stir dulce de leche until it is smooth. I got the idea from here. Scroll to the directions for buttercream frosting. That's where you get the scoop on making your own dulce de leche. Make it first. It needs time to bake and time to cool.

Step 2: Cupcakes
Here's the link for the recipe. I was too busy to take a photo of my handiwork.
I am pretty happy with the results. The only change I might try to make in the future, is to find a recipe for a less dense cupcake. The cupcake from the above recipe resembles pound cake more than a cupcake, it is a buttermilk brown sugar cupcake- very nice, eh? I love using buttermilk in recipes. Buttermilk not only adds a depth of flavor but moisture.

Enjoy!

3 Chili Rice- your taste buds will sit up and shout Ole!

Confession, I HATE spanish rice...except this recipe.

This recipe was originally made for my birthday dinner years ago by my good friend Jeanne. Being that my birthday is Cinco de Mayo, Mexican food and celebration dinners are the norm for me. (Thank you Jeanne for the gift of a great spanish rice recipe!)
I have NEVER liked spanish rice .... until the day I tried this recipe.
It is flavorful and moist. It is also pretty- I like pretty food! And lastly, it smells great. I made this recipe tonight for my ward's Relief Society meeting.
It's my favorite. I hope it will become yours too!

This photo doesn't do it justice, but it gives you an idea of what the finished product looks like.

3 Chili Rice
2 pasilla chilies
4 Tbs. olive oil
3/4 c. chopped onion
1 1/2 Tbs. minced garlic
1 1/2 Tbs. chopped seeded jalapeno chili
1 1/2 tsp. dried oregano
1 1/2 tsp. ground cumin
1 tsp. chili powder
1 1/2 c. long grain white rice
1 3/4 cans chicken broth (15 oz.)
3/4 can diced tomatoes (I used whole tomatoes and pureed them- it's a texture thing)
1 1/4 tsp. salt (if you use chicken bouillon or chicken broth omit this)
1/2 bag frozen peas
2 green onions, thinly sliced


Char pasilla chilies over gas flame or under broiler until blackened on all sides. Enclose in paper bag; let stand 10 minutes. Peel, seed, and finely chop the poblanos.
Heat oil in heavy lrg. skillet over low heat. Add poblanos, onion, garlic, jalapeno and spices. Saute until onion becomes soft, stirring frequently, about 7 minutes. Add rice, saute for 2 minutes more. Add 1 1/2 cans of broth, 1/2 can of crushed tomatoes, and salt. Bring just to boil. Reduce heat to low, cover pan, and simmer. As the rice simmers, check it every 5 minutes, it will dry out. You will need to add liquid. Add remaining broth and pureed tomatoes as needed.  Cook for 25 minutes until rice is tender. Mix in frozen peas and green onions. Remove from heat. Cover; let stand 10 minutes. Fluff rice and serve.
Serves 8-10 gracefully.

I Heart Faces - Soft & Sweet Photo Entry

I have been doing a lot of photography lately. Last week I missed entering the contest with I heart faces. Last week's theme was pet week. I have this great shot of Aeron holding one of our chickens. But, I waited a day too long to post. So, this week I am doing it NOW.
Here's is my photo for this week. The theme is Soft & Sweet. Nothing is sweeter than the photo I took last year of Baby Ellie. That was one of the my photography highlights of last year. It was so educational and fun to take Ellie's newborn portraits. I was grateful to her mom for letting allowing me to learn.

Sweet Baby Ellie

Life inside the fishbowl

So much has happened in last 4 months since school started. My son Ethan has taken a turn for the worse. As of Tuesday, December 7th, I placed Ethan back in Loma Linda's Behavioral Medicine Center. We are at a breaking point. With no respite, I am at a loss as to what to do with him. My other children and I are the victims of his rages. Most telling, was an incident that occurred yesterday on my way from Inland Regional Center to the hospital, Ethan was punching my 3 year old as he screamed, "I said I'm sorry." He was angry because my son, Aeron,  told him he was naughty because he had hit him. Of course, this set him off. It's a cycle with no end. It's so sad and destructive. His need for help is beyond what I am capable of providing.

The reason I went to Regional Center was to get the paperwork to apply again for services. I met with 3 women employed there. I am completely disgusted with the Regional Center. Even though they are tasked with helping handicapped children, I understand their criteria, they are heartless. What happened, conveys an utter lack of human decency. I brought my two youngest, Ethan and Aeron (3) into the building with me. I figured I would cut out the mail carrier and pick up the paperwork in person. Plus I would have a face to face opportunity with the staff. While waiting for a representative from the intake dept., I took the boys to the bathroom. Ethan and I used the restroom. And when it came time to wash our hands, Ethan wanted to continue to play in the water, and had a meltdown. He ran out into the lobby and hid while the IRC representative watched. I was unable to have the most basic conversation with her. So, we went to some kind of room outfitted with toys to the side of lobby. Ethan continually tried to escape, and was screaming, kicking and yelling. I explained the situation to the staff member and she went to go get some of the paperwork to file an appeal. I also had with me a note our psychiatrist, Dr. Robert Gordon had written. The note attests to the fact that Ethan has autism, appealing directly to the fact that they strictly address DSM 299.1's definition of autism. When the staff member came back, once again, she brought with her one of the IRC's psychologists and the case manager who compiled Ethan's evaluation.  The case manager explained they have a very comprehensive report that solidly supports the fact that Ethan's problems are behavioral not the result of autism. She took a copy of Ethan's Dr. note, but stressed that their report was conclusive and little could be done to change their decision, even 1 Dr's opinion. They handed me the appeal packet placed in an evelope, and another two sheets of paper with "resources" for behavioral help. By this time, Ethan had kicked off his shoes and socks. He continued kicking and screaming. They tied together Ethan's shoes and tucked his socks in his shoes, and handed all this to me and escorted me to the door without even an offer of help to my car. I carried my son, kicking and screaming from the building over my shoulder, all the while he was beating my back with his fists. My littlest one followed me in the rear as I struggled, juggling all the items to the car. 


I am disgusted by their lack of human decency. I had no expectations, at least I try not to. But most professionals I have met with, when faced with my son having one of his outburts, at least offer an escort to the car. They made sure to escort me to the door, see that the lock engaged, and returned to their desks.

I went directly from IRC to Loma Linda. As I drove, I spoke with their intake rep. I was relieved to hear they had room for him. 

Monday was also an eventful day. Ethan had a noon appt. with our psychiatrist for a med check. From there we stopped in at a friend's flowershop. She and I used to attend the same support network when it used to meet at the CBC, where I met you. She gave me the info of another person who might help us in our efforts to get the district to help. She also had to hire the services of an attorney. When I finished up with her, it was time for Ethan's therapy appt. at 2:15 at Hope Inc., with Jamie Juarez. This therapist is a marvelous woman. She has helped us in so many ways. She gave us the $ for our consult with Valerie Vanaman. She referred us to our advocate, Sandra Marzullo. And, she is paying for a cleaning crew to come into our house on Friday. We had our 45 minute therapy session in which I filled her in on all the developments. And Ethan, after tiring of the toys in Jamie's office, decided it was time we move into the motor room. We had a few minutes to play. When it was time to leave, he went into a rage again. 

At that point, Jamie came back and asked what I wanted to do. I said I did not know. She offered to call the police, and have him taken in on a 5150 or they could just help me to the car. I haven't been all that impressed with the caliber of Loma Linda's help. The Dr. only served to  put Ethan on meds that made him more psychotic and then sent him home for us to deal with. When I later called with some follow ?'s. He doesn't return calls. Once you leave the hospital, you are done. You receive no more help or services. 

I asked Jamie to have her therapist and other staff member to help me get Ethan to the car. He refused to sit in the car. A struggle ensued in which he hit his head several times, once on the door as we left the motor room and a second time in the car as he struggled and refused to be seated. At that point, I was so tired by all this struggle, I consented to calling the police. I face these meltdowns 7-9 times daily. There is no respite, except when I go to work. And even with that, that is no respite. I am tired- physically and mentally. I am having troubles sleeping, as evidenced by the late hour I am finishing up this email. My house looks like it threw up on itself. To be honest, I don't want him back home. If we had help, I would want him home. But we don't and I am at my wit's end. We struggle in silence, I'm a prisoner in my own home. I am a prisoner to my son's rages and violence, as are my children. I'm basically suffering form PTSD. I"m done.

It took 2 men and my therapist to restrain Ethan. He kicked and screamed and acted like he was possessed of a demon. I sent my youngest back into the motor room to be supervised by a staff member. Ethan repeatedly knocked his head on the asphalt as a result of his flailing attempted to bite, kick and punch the staff, so we moved him to the front lawn to await the police. The police officer came. What a specimen of uselessness! He saw the situation, witnessed my son's violence and refused to take him in  on a 5150. Instead he elected to have the paramedics come and check out Ethan's head. It was fine, of course. The Fire Dept. came accompanying the ambulance. He was cleared by the paramedics. Of course, he was quite the spectacle. One of the firemen, felt the need to comment, that it appeared that my son lacked discipline. My husband, whom I had promptly called, had arrived. By this time, he had managed to calm Ethan down a bit. At this remark my husband calmly defended himself and then our therapist lit into the fireman. 

I had to leave for work by this time. You see, as soon as I realized the situation, I called Winco and let them know that my son was probably going to be taken in my police or ambulance to Loma Linda. The receptionist/office manager/mngmt person replied that even though this was a grave situation, I would still be given 3 points against my record if I missed my shift. I had been late twice prior to that. Each time it results in points against me. I had 4 points at that time. The first time I was late, was entirely my fault. I was ignorant and inexperienced with the posting of the schedule. ALL the other times I have been late have been a result of either a meeting in which it was decided that we would sue the school district or the latest occurence or Monday's episode. But, of course, yesterday I was 5 minutes late again, because of traffic and logistics. There is not enough of me to spread around. I had to drop off my 3 year old son at my friend, Tracee's house, travel the 30 minutes to Loma Linda, visit with Ethan, talk with the staff, and travel back and pick up my son, wait for my husband get home and speed to work. Monday, I lost it at work and ended up crying for 20 minutes as I talked with one of the shift leaders. I told her of our situation. She was horrified. But she was somone I could talk to, it helped a little. I have asked for leniency. I have explained that I want and need a job. My hope is that eventually I will be able to get benefits (which are available to employees who work a min. of 20 hours a week). But, there are only so many points you are allowed during your 6 month probation period. That's it. I may be fired.

So, yes, I decided to flee the scene and go to work. I was 10 minutes late, I had to wait for the fire dept's huge truck to leave. Of course they had to bring the biggest one. It is also the most difficult to navigate. I did show up for my shift. I left my husband to deal with the situation. The officer refused to take my son in to Loma Linda even though 3 witnesses attested to the seriousness and violence of the situation. Peter had adequately calmed Ethan. He took him home, a ticking time bomb which erupted the next day.

Tuesday I took him down and and admitted him myself. I don't know what to do. We don't qualify for services. I have talked with therapists and social workers at Loma Linda. I am asking them for an MRI. I still can't get my insurance to give me a referral for an MRI with sedation. I have a temporary respite from Ethan, with him at Loma Linda. But now I am fielding all the calls- calls from  the hospital therapists, nurses and insurance. The insurance will cover temporary residential care. But will not cover indefinite residential care. We have to wait 'til the first of the year for Valerie to file the suit. I agree and understand the insurance's point of view. I have become friends with the insurance case worker woman/therapist on the other end of the line as I have explained all our efforts. She wants to help, but there is only so much the insurance can do. She admire all that I have done and continue to do to help Ethan.

So, that's where I am. I get a little respite from Ethan while he is in the hospital. But that opens another can of worms. I can visit him once a day. And at that time I can get a report and a visual of how things are going. We have also asked the hospital to help us with his blood work. We want Ethan's blood karyotyped to see if he has Kleinfelter's syndrome (XXY) which would help explain his lack of executive functioning. The Dr. on staff, disagreed with my husband's request saying it was ethically questionable. Wouldn't it be a good idea to check and see? If Ethan does have this genetic condition, it would explain his difficulties. 

I am tired and frustrated and feel defeated. I feel like these obstacles are insurmountable. Every door I turn to for help is locked or shut in my face. Insurance won't deliver the MRI. The hospital, a poor bandage, is useless except for providing safe respite. But even that is questionable because of all the questions and forms to be filled out and answered. Because, of course, the first conclusion is of family dysfunction. Not of a true sickness in the child. I spend hours answering the same ?'s over and over again, with no results. In the end, the worker sympathizes with me and says they will "help." No help ends up coming. It's all words, no action.

Tomorrow my husband, who has taken the day off from work, and I will go see the county's school programs. They are ED programs. I have heard "great" things about them already. They will not help Ethan. They are based on the school model of instruction not a therapeutic model of instruction. Our therapist has gone to the schools we are to visit. She went to look at one of the students who wanted to be placed at her site. In addition to counseling services, she runs a NPS. She observed the kid and rejected him. My thoughts are that Ethan will only add more bad behaviors to his already lengthy repertoire of bad behaviors. Additionally, he will not have access to the daily therapy he so desperately needs. My husband only has so many sick days and then they will deduct from his salary. He cannot be home full time to mange Ethan.

Our lawyer Valerie Vanaman has instructed us to go see the school. We will. I have my checklist of requirements, as sent to me by our advocate. I'll forward them after sending this email. They are all backed up by educational code references. Of course, the school won't be able to provide all of them. 

Ethan will be released home again in a few days. And we will start the prison sentence all over. 

I can't tell you the # of times people tell me my son and our family is in their prayers. Please don't misunderstand me. I am a woman of faith. I know God lives and loves us. There is a plan in all this. I KNOW it.
But in my perspective, faith without works is DEAD! Prayers are great, but we NEED help. Prayers will help, but it is not an all encompassing bandaid. I am tired. I don't want my son back at home. He is abusing his siblings. I am being abused by him. It takes all my self control not to beat the tar out of him. Some days I have to sedate him just to get through the day. My life feels as close to what purgatory might be like. We have no quality of family life, except in that revolves around my son. I am doing him no favors by keeping him at home, placing no demands on him. I walk around on egg shells dreading the next meltdown. I can't educate him. We are in this cycle of destruction.

I am to the point that when Ethan melts down after he comes home, I am either going to bring him back to the hospital or call the police to take him back on a 5150.

I can't even begin to think of Christmas. What a joke! I don't want to put up a Christmas tree. I don't want to buy presents. All I see is a filthy house, a destructive, demanding child who requires 24/7 supervision with no help in sight. I told my husband the other night that I want to have the Grinch's Christmas tree this year. I would love to cancel it. Additionally, what pains me is that my other children need Christmas. They need that normality and deserve those healthy, typical experiences. So, I will dig down inside myself and find the energy to put all that stuff up. But, my heart is not in it. Just like it was not in Thanksgiving. I didn't want to cook dinner. All I saw was all the work required. Try to clean the house, buy the food, prepare the food, eat the food, clean up the food and work. Where's the joy? When do we have fun? When can we get some down time?

In all of this mess, a big blessing that came our way recently. An Orthodox Catholic Sunday school is adopting our family for Christmas. Two of my friends are members of their congregation. They will help with Christmas for the kids. And, our therapist, whom we owe hundred of dollars to, is paying for a cleaning crew to come in and help me Friday. These a two big blessings. It will help us a great deal. 

It may sound like I am having quite the pity party, I try not to. I am a strong individual. Lesser women would have already given up. I am trying to faithfully bear my burdens. I am trying to do my part. But, I am done. I don't want this burden anymore. When can I say enough without sounding and feeling like I am giving up and failing my child? That is my daily struggle, besides my struggles to maintain my grip on my own sanity. 

I am to the point of writing talk show hosts like Oprah Winfrey and Ellen Degeneres to plead for help. I don't know what else to do.

If you have any suggestions or know of any sources for help, feel free to comment and leave a message.

Love me, hate me, but spare me your indifference!

Tonight was the aforementioned Girl's Night Out get together at my house. I have been working solidly the last few days and the last few weeks, trying to get my various home improvements accomplished. We have been putting up picture frames that have been inhabiting the darker corners in the closets of my house, cleaning, organizing and giving our home the extra TLC it so desperately needs. It's been a success, not amazing, but we have progress. Yeah for me!

I have not been blessed with the gift of home fashion know-how. This specialized skill is generally not taught when you are raised by a Grandfather. I struggle in that area, but I just do my best.

Moreover, I am not the best housekeeper. It is difficult when there are 5 very energetic young bodies in the home, all with different agendas. But, hey, I do my best. That's all I can do!

So, with all the efforts I have made the last few days, I was very disappointed at the turnout tonight. People who had previously committed, didn't show.

My whole goal for tonight was an opportunity to reach out and visit with people. Yes, I had the BEAD IT! class and I had my Pampered Chef available, but purchase was not required. In fact, half of my friends who showed up didn't purchase a thing. They stopped by to visit and eat. I was so happy and grateful to those that came. It made my day. THANK YOU!!

I sent out over 100+ Evites. I received a RSVP of 6 people attending (that includes the 2 women who do BEAD IT!), 1 maybe, and 16 declines. I'm ok people not being able to attend, thank you for your honesty.

I have a huge problem with indifference. I think it is rude to ignore someone who is reaching out. I know that I take it more personally, but I am very sensitive to the act of being rejected. The stats listed above do not include the people who verbally committed to attend, and blew me off. This was just the Evites.

Tonight's lack of response blends right in and cements my feelings of being overlooked and judged (I'll get into that later). I am not your typical LDS woman and mother. I grew up outside the LDS church, I grew up in an environment of HORRIBLE abuse, and to top that off, I think you could call it the death blow- is the fact that I have children with special needs. These needs cannot be treated with a pill and BAM you get better. My children's needs will take a lifetime of attention and medication in order for them to grow into healthy, functional adults.

With all this activity going on, it is understandable that we really don't entertain. We have hosted a dinner when a child gets baptized, and I have offered up the use of our swimming pool for our Primary children to use during the summer, but I don't really entertain. It is difficult.

It is difficult to stay on top of my housework, it is difficult to find ways to beautify my home especially when I have 2 children who take great delight in the destruction of objects that I cherish. I have stopped buying nice things. I am trying to make do with what we have. I am trying to wait out the early years and hope that things will improve as my boys mature. I can only pray! I can barely stay on top of the day to day chores because my children require so much more of my energy and attention. I'm ok with that. That's life. But, don't judge me.

Now to add a layer of complexity-
I have increasingly felt over the last few years like an onlooker. Like a person peering through a window seeing the fun people are having on the inside but finding the entrance door locked. We have lived in our house 10 years now. And I feel we are regarded as a family that is unreliable and unstable.

We are very active in our church. We are LDS. There is almost a closed culture among LDS church members, maybe it is a misperception on my part. But, my family is largely ignored and tolerated. I am one of those strong, silent workers. I am always volunteering to help out in any way for service where I am able.

But, I'll tell you this. We are NOT one of those favored families among our fellow LDS church members. Some would deny this occurence. But, it is true. Just ask those of us on the outside, those who do not hold the higher social status. There are many on the outside. They are silent. They long for approval, attention, and fellowship.

I don't want to tolerate this hypocrisy anymore. This is where the title, "Love me, hate me, but spare me your indifference!" comes in. I am tired of mealy mouthed platitudes and feigned friendship. I am frustrated with how certain church members put up with the existence of other church members in the name of tolerance and love, while truly not fully loving. There are certain families I have made efforts to reach out to where I have been flatly rejected, I have witnessed looks of outright contempt and disapproval. But, when it comes to associating with the other more highly thought of families that are deemed to be of a higher social status, the mothers of those formerly disapproving families pay all kinds of attention to them. Mothers of certain disapproving families offer to hold and love the children of the families that enjoy a higher status. But do you know what? Those same mothers ignore our family and have NEVER ONCE offered to hold the 3 children I have born while in this ward. I have often asked my husband if we have a disease that they fear is contagious. Of course it isn't true. But it feels that way. It hurts.

I am fed up with this. If we were in a better financial situation, we would move! I would love to move. Because if we were able to move, we could leave behind the judgements and have a fresh, clean slate.


Recently, I was at church in a relaxed social situation. There was a group of us women sitting in a circle. Some men came in and pointed out the 'troublemakers', 2 younger sisters that enjoy a higher social status. Then the men pointed out the older sisters as the righteous and then the men asked what we were where a friend and I were sitting. One of the ladies pointed to us and said we were the group trying to stay on the path, trying to be righteous. I have no response. I had my game face on, and was trying to visit in the group, be social, be positive. But that comment, albeit unintentional, really says it all! It may have been a joke, but there is always an element of truth in a joke. Always. That is the judgement and the indifferent dismissal I have been fighting against the last 10 years.

A few years ago, my husband had a major surgery to help with his sleep apnea. I had 5 kids at that point. My youngest was under the age of 1. My son Ethan's disability was just beginning to emerge. And, I needed help. My husband was in the ICU for 2 or 3 days. My grandfather was not in a position to be of help. And, my husband's family live in Utah, and were unable to help. So, we rely on ourselves. I had always, up until that point, lived with the knowledge that if all else failed our ward family would be of help. Boy was I proved wrong!

It is difficult to ask for help. In my past, I have asked for help, only to have my hand slapped away in rejection and outright refusal. Because of this, I am very tentative in my requests for help. Things have to be pretty bad for me to ask.

So, whether it was due to an inability of me to communicate my needs on my part, or something else that was going on, a very unfortunate situation happened with my visiting teachers. I felt like they not only were hesitant to help but did it begrudgingly or unhappily. I am sure this isn't quite true. I am not sure what was going on. I just picked up on some weird vibes and didn't understand the events that transpired. And, because I had hired this sister to help me out with childcare in the past, I felt duty bound to pay her. This sister's visiting teaching companion that had come over to help her. So, as soon as I got there to pick up my son, the companion sped off as if the hounds of Hell were at her heels. To this day, I don't know what happened or why.

Because of the events of that day, I felt completely rejected. I lost it. I couldn't even ask for the full measure of help that I needed. Earlier, when I went to the ICU, I took my infant in his backpack. I felt like I didn't want to inconvenience my visiting teacher, I didn't want to overburden her. ICU didn't want to let me in. Children are not allowed in the ICU. But, they let me in, seeing that my baby was in a backpack and couldn't touch anything. I visited with my husband for maybe 5 minutes and had to leave. My husband's surgery was scary. He could barely breathe, let alone talk or swallow. It was hard on him and me. During this time, no meals were offered to my family. Instead of other sisters in our church offering help, a number of young women's families were asked if they could help. Some of those families were hesitant to allow their daughters to help because of their daughter's young age. So, I was left on my own. All the previous expectations I had had came crashing down. It was an event that devestated my faith and trust in my 'ward family.' I wanted to walk away from the church. I felt it was hypocritical that our church who proclaimed themselves to be a ward family would leave us in the lurch like that. I knew that I couldn't walk away from my faith. I have a testimony. But, it shattered my complete trust in it. It has never been the same since.

My friend was so concerned with how upset I was, she had her husband call our bishop. He then shared his concerns. He explained how we felt largely overlooked and unimportant. I still feel rather unimportant and overlooked, at least in the workings of our ward. It has been that way for me for the last 10 years. It was only after that call that my family started to receive some help. We were then offered some meals and a few girls were brave enough to come and help out.

I do not feel like I can freely ask for help. It is also difficult socially with these women. They socialize together outside of church. But not me, except on rare occasions. I don't think I will ever fit in with a certain group of women. Generally, I will visit with some of the older sisters at church. They are always loving and accepting. I appreciate that ... words cannot express the depth of my appreciation for their unwavering love and kindness and acceptance.

What I find the most difficult is the fact that when my husband and I attended BYU, it was easy to make and maintain friends and to socialize. Then we moved out here to California. It was different. Now, some of my closest friends are NOT members of our church. They accept me with open arms and an open heart. I am loved and appreciated regardless of the social drawbacks of my family. I know that my son is difficult to be around. It is difficult to understand his behavior and his speech. Sometimes it is scary to witness his outbursts. But, above all he is a child of God and needs love. And moreover, our family needs love, understanding and support.

Maybe I have things all wrong and could be "schooled" a bit. I would love to have your input if I have inaccurately portrayed things or viewed them differently. Maybe you have a differing perspective than I do. I welcome any and all comments.

Thus ends this long entry. I am hurting still, it fades with time - thank goodness. I guess this hurt helps me to know that even if I am rejected by my fellow man, I do have a Savior who understands my every need and care. I take solace in that fact. That is the rock that I can rely upon. He provides an unchanging and immovable foundation. For that I am eternally grateful. I can draw upon His strength and go to Him with my cares. That is incredibly comforting. Hallelujah!

It's been a long time!

It has been too long since I blogged last. I was shocked. What have I been doing lately you may ask? I have been cooking, gaining weight, gardening, tending my backyard chickens, selling Pampered Chef, nagging my kids, taxi-ing, tackling long overdue household home improvements, taking my son Ethan to weekly therapy appointments, and exercising 3 days a week (it feels body abuse- but it is an awesome workout).

I don't have any pictures to post because I left my camera in my Grampa's car when I visited him in June. A terrible error on my part- I have missed out on some wonderful photo opps since then.

In 2 days I am hosting a party at my house. I haven't hosted anything except a swim party in my backyard in 5 years. I am doing it mainly as an opportunity to visit. Believe it or not- I invited over 100 people and 5 or 6 are coming. Hmmmm ..... not a good sign. My friend is going to be on hand to sell her trendy chunky beaded watches, I will have my Pampered Chef stuff there and a lady who I met recently whose daughter goes to Los Osos is coming with her daughter and she is bringing her designer handbags. But mainly, I just want to visit and enjoy the company of other women. I have been working hard at reaching out and trying to be more social and develop friendships.

Tomorrow is my son, Steven's 12th birthday. He is excited. He will be able to attend our church's Young Men/Young Women group. This coming Sunday, he will be ordained to the Aaronic priesthood in our church. It's a big step. He will start Junior High in August. My boy is growing up.